It Hit Me Tonight

This evening as I was saying goodnight to my two amazing kids and tucking them in to bed, it hit me. Although not common, there is a possibility this surgery could go horribly wrong. I am scared shit less that something terrible is going to happen. I've never really been put under, and that scares me. I have heard it is the best sleep ever, but it still doesn't help calm my worries. I am also afraid that the surgeons will nick some major vein and/or artery and I'll bleed out. The coordinator I've been dealing with throughout all this said that there's a good chance that when (if) I wake up, I'll be in the ICU. It worries me because it was in that ICU in that hospital where my grandpa passed away. Way too many bad memories associated with that place.

I spent a good portion of tonight crying into my awesome husband's absorbent shoulder. He doesn't even act like he's nervous, but I'm sure it will hit him the day of surgery. I know he's trying to be strong for me though. I've heard these feelings I'm experiencing are normal, and if I wasn't nervous, something would be wrong.

I have spent way too many hours on Google searching for 'death from weight loss surgery' and the likes. All of the websites have different numbers, but overall, they are pretty low. And it's not like I've never had surgery before; I have had two Cesarean sections. I had zero worries about them, and I'm sure the risk of dying during one of those is about the same as this surgery. Of course with those, I got to hold my sweet newborn babies right away. Also, it's not like I really wanted those. It wasn't elective surgery. This is. I know so many people think I'm insane for signing myself up for something like this.

I have so many wonderful friends that have spent a good portion of tonight trying to calm me down and assure me things will be okay. I have had friends who have done this surgery and years later they are alive and well. I know I won't die, but I still worry. I'm a worrier by nature.

I just have to keep telling myself that things will be okay. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to lose weight and be so flipping healthy. Finally. I deserve that. My husband deserves to have his wife around. My kids deserve their mom.

I have calmed down for the night, and as the clock prepares to read 1 AM, I think I'm done on here. My kids will be awake in less than six hours. Little stinkers don't know the meaning of sleeping in. Good thing they are so cute. :)